On this, the first work Monday of July 2016, let’s reflect on what could’ve been. Let’s gather together and bask in the fondness of a different reality. One that is good and great and easy to over-romanticize because we can’t peak into the bad parts.
See, what I’m saying is this: Leonardo DiCaprio was almost on Baywatch.
It’s true. (Gasp!) According to an interview with co-producer Michael Berk in The Hollywood Reporter, my boyfriend was almost on the most nineties show of all time, but then wasn’t. Because David Hasselhoff is the worst.
“We actually had DiCaprio ready to be cast,” said Berk. “But David thought he was too old to play his son.”
Leo was only 15, BTW.
“David thought it would make him look older,” added co-producer Douglas Schwartz. “He had a lot of concerns of that type.”
OH DID HE NOW.
The part went to nine-year-old Jeremy Jackson who is not Leonardo DiCaprio nor ever will be.
But let’s pretend for a moment that fate had smiled on us and we’d been given a chance to see Leonardo DiCaprio in what could’ve been his most important role to date. In fact, let’s think of all the ways Baywatch could’ve made his career even better — or better still, brought him into my waiting arms.
– He would’ve known how to swim excellently, as well as how to survive freezing cold temperatures thanks to lifeguard training and the HELP position. (Remember that?) Thus, Titanic would’ve been far less tragic and he and Kate could’ve started a new chapter in their lives.
– He would’ve known never to drink in or near a pool of water, meaning he never would’ve been shot at the end of The Great Gatsby (because Baywatch also means going back in time to rewrite Great American Novels).
– He would’ve had access to the Baywatch Barbies my parents wouldn’t buy me, thus creating a reason for us to become friends and then eventually more (much, much more).
– His hair would’ve looked even more amazing than it did in the mid-to-late 1990s. (Which is just a bonus for us, as a people.)
– He would’ve for sure won many Emmys, meaning he wouldn’t have had to work so hard to campaign for an Oscar, since the Oscars would’ve probably hooked him up for Basketball Diaries or Romeo + Juliet. (I know this doesn’t make sense, but this is my fantasy so get into it or GTFO.)
– He would’ve emerged from the ocean, shaking his hair out in slow motion, which would’ve filled my heart with song. (Even though I would’ve been five or six and not known who he was, nor particularly cared since 15 was old.)
– We’d now have gifs of him running on the beach.
– See above.
So happy Monday, everybody! Somehow I have set all of these scenarios to the Beverly Hills: 90210 theme, and I have no idea why.
