A few years ago, I went to a handful of Raptors games and I had the best time. I had absolutely no idea what was going on, I wasn\u2019t sure about who was on our team (minus two or three players), and I still don\u2019t know how basketball scoring works. But it didn\u2019t matter: I understood that the Raptors ruled, that I needed them to win, and that should they elevate themselves to championship contenders, I would tether myself to the bandwagon and let it drag me.<\/p>\n
And here we are today.<\/p>\n
Tonight, the Raptors play game five against the Milwaukee Bucks in the conference finals, and regardless of whether or not you\u2019ve been following the season, you likely care. In the same way the Blue Jays romanced us a few years ago with their back-to-back post-season extravaganzas, the Raptors have enthusiastically reminded us that not every Toronto sports team is a shocking disappointment, and that it\u2019s okay to believe in things.<\/p>\n
The problem is, if you don\u2019t follow basketball, you are like me. And if you are like me, hell-bent on being psyched about a sport you don\u2019t understand and still associate with when you faked injuries in P.E. so you could avoid playing it, you are lost. You are lost and a little screwed and in desperate need for a way to release an enthusiasm that\u2019s akin only to Drake losing his shit courtside. (But even then, Drake understands how basketball works. And I, dear reader, do not.)<\/p>\n
So with that in mind, here is my guide to supporting the Raptors despite having no concept of how the game works, who anybody is, and why anything happens. Because I know I\u2019m not alone in my ignorance, but I also know how embarrassing it is to wade into a world that is not yours, especially after asking a friend mid fourth-quarter, \u201cSo how do the points work?\u201d<\/p>\n
Insult the opposing team at will, but avoid cruelty at all costs<\/strong> Veil your ignorance by punching up your vocabulary<\/strong> Do they need to make sense? Absolutely not. And if you are challenged by a fan who thinks they know more than you do (and they would be right), look at them with a knowing nod as if you\u2019re sharing a secret. By this time, they\u2019ll be so weirded out that they won\u2019t dare speak to you again. Even though you do<\/em> share a secret: that you\u2019ve just started using Princess Bride<\/em> dialogue to up your athletic ante.<\/p>\n Cloak yourself in merch<\/strong> Use \u201ctypical\u201d as a default <\/strong> Showcase disappointment in any errors by reciting Tyra Banks\u2019 Top Model<\/em> \u201cTiffany\u201d monologue verbatim<\/strong> Seek comfort in knowing any player on the team would be lucky to be your friend<\/strong> Which is what I space out and think about when I begin feeling overwhelmed by how little I understand basketball. Because if I could just<\/em> get into the team\u2019s locker room (after everybody was decent, obviously) and deliver a speech better than Brad Pitt in Moneyball<\/em>, I know we could take this thing. We, the Toronto Raptors, who would be absolutely lost without me. (Or, um, us.)<\/p>\n Good luck.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A few years ago, I went to a handful of Raptors games and I had the best time. I had absolutely no idea what was going on, I wasn\u2019t sure about who was on our team (minus two or three players), and I still don\u2019t know how basketball scoring works. But it didn\u2019t matter: I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":67426,"featured_media":116845,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[81718],"tags":[83613,81608,83292,81720,65370],"class_list":["post-116844","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pop-culture","tag-anne-t-donahue-musings","tag-raptors","tag-top-story","tag-topstory","tag-toronto"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\nNobody here is about to shout, \u201cYou suck!\u201d at an opposing player because frankly, it\u2019s a basic insult and we\u2019re all above it. So instead, I suggest waging psychological warfare on the athletic enemy by getting as specific as you can about nothing in particular. If within earshot (because maybe all of a sudden you have courtside seats), say \u201cI think it\u2019s brave that you\u2019re out here playing today\u201d and plant a poisonous seed of doubt. If in the crowd, make eye contact at your target and slowly shake your head back and forth, as if you\u2019ve never been more ashamed. And if watching the game elsewhere? Well, you\u2019re not there, and they can\u2019t hear you so just order some fries.<\/p>\n
\nClapping and cheering is important and beautiful, but if you are as insecure about your lack of knowledge as I am, you\u2019ll want everybody around you to think you\u2019re more of a fan than they\u2019ve ever been. Which is why I refuse to commit to legitimate sports commentary and instead use movie quotes, multiple-syllable descriptors, and song lyrics as proof of how in the know I am about everything.<\/p>\n
\nJust like Joey Tribiani when he pretends to own a Porsche.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cTypical\u201d is my favourite thing to say about anything, good or bad, I am completely clueless about. Stuck behind a terrible driver? Typical. Impressed by somebody\u2019s incredible outfit? Typical. Something good or bad in a sports game? Typical. Then revel in the power that comes with whispering it, as though you\u2019re personal friends with a player and are desperate not to give yourself away.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cHow dare you!\u201d you will scream at the television after the Raptor you\u2019re looking at misses an \u201ceasy\u201d shot none of us could make under any circumstances. \u201cWe were rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!\u201d And this will also serve as a type of test: if nobody identifies your source, you may proceed to eventually scream, \u201cThis is not America\u2019s Top Best Friend!\u201d<\/em> and if they do, you are amongst your people. To an extent. They may also be legitimate fans who understand everything we do not.<\/p>\n
\nAnd that you\u2019d make a phenomenal manager. Why? Because while you\u2019re a fan, you\u2019re also not truly a fan<\/em>. Meaning that pep talks and \u201cYou\u2019ve really let me down\u201d lectures would bear more weight since the Raptors would then be playing for your approval, and your approval alone.<\/p>\n