By Anne T. Donahue<\/p>\n
The universal rule of being an adult human who works for a living is that by 2 p.m., it will feel like you\u2019ve been working for six days without sleep. And, if you\u2019re anything like me, you\u2019ve tried everything: you\u2019ve drank coffee with lunch. You\u2019ve drank coffee and caffeinated-anything-else with a chocolate bar. You\u2019ve eaten lunch outside. You\u2019ve eaten lunch next to a window to make it seem like you\u2019re eating outside. You\u2019ve skipped lunch (and gotten even more tired). You\u2019ve run errands, you\u2019ve skipped the afternoon entirely (don\u2019t worry, I didn\u2019t say anything), you\u2019ve stayed later to try and trick yourself into thinking you\u2019re actually working way harder than you may be.<\/p>\n
And nothing. At 2 p.m., you will inevitably look at the clock and scream, \u201cWhy is it always 2 p.m.?!\u201d And the answer? Because life is cruel, and why would time ever work in our favor.<\/p>\n
So because I know what it\u2019s like to eat lunch and to look at your list of things due over the next one to 24 hours and to sob silently, knowing the only option you have is to finish them because that\u2019s how having a job works, I have prepared a list of ways to make the day go by faster. Or, more specifically, to make it seem like you are exactly as productive as you need to be.<\/p>\n
Unnecessary walks anywhere<\/strong> Finishing any snack or beverage<\/strong> Unnecessary errands<\/strong> Making a spreadsheet<\/strong> Creeping your enemies on social media<\/strong> Reading this piece<\/strong> Mainly because there are so many nice things to say about me. And if you want to simply make a list of those<\/em>, you\u2019ll find that it\u2019s suddenly midnight by the time that you\u2019re done.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Anne T. Donahue The universal rule of being an adult human who works for a living is that by 2 p.m., it will feel like you\u2019ve been working for six days without sleep. And, if you\u2019re anything like me, you\u2019ve tried everything: you\u2019ve drank coffee with lunch. You\u2019ve drank coffee and caffeinated-anything-else with a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":67426,"featured_media":117505,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[64591],"tags":[83613,83292,81720],"class_list":["post-117504","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-wellness","tag-anne-t-donahue-musings","tag-top-story","tag-topstory"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\nSometimes when I\u2019m at home and sitting in front of my computer, I begin to curse the invention of chairs because I\u2019m so desperate to procrastinate that I\u2019ll curse anything. So I get up and make up a reason to do anything. I decide now is the time for laundry. I decide I should take the stairs and walk down to the car and throw out the chip bag I left on the seat the day before. I walk to my bedroom to inspect how well I made the bed. I walk to the bathroom because it\u2019s important to take regular bathroom breaks. I walk to the fridge, where I look inside and wonder why I haven\u2019t learned to buy groceries in bulk instead of buying only what I need for a single meal (see: one pack of hotdogs). And then I walk back to my think, smile to myself and think, \u201cExercise.\u201d And now it\u2019s already 2:02.<\/p>\n
\nDon\u2019t ask me the logic, but whenever I have to put a can or bottle in the recycling bin I think to myself, \u201cMy productivity is dazzling.\u201d And it\u2019s somehow magically three hours later.<\/p>\n
\nPlease see above, but add temporary distance between you and your desk. The day before yesterday, I rose from my kitchen table, grabbed my keys and wallet, and walked across the street to buy a chocolate bar because \u201cI deserved it.\u201d Which was true: today, I spent a solid three minutes counting the spare change I\u2019d thrown in a cup at the top of my closet. I have almost enough to make an entire roll of quarters. And now it\u2019s almost three (minutes past 2:10 p.m.)<\/p>\n
\nWith eons of workday left and a mountain of work to get through recently, I found joy in making a spreadsheet I absolutely didn\u2019t need to create, and certainly didn\u2019t need to colour code (which I did). However, I\u2019ve never felt so productive in my life. And while it meant I had to panic and rush for the rest of the afternoon because I was now very behind in the work I was contractually obligated to complete, I avoided feeling like the day would never end by alphabetizing the last names of people whose birthdays were coming up. (You\u2019re welcome, friends.)<\/p>\n
\nI can\u2019t even begin to explain the rush of adrenaline that comes with thinking you\u2019ve liked the photo of a person you don\u2019t know or even really like from 2016. Anything you do after realizing you did not will feel like a gift. (However, if you did <\/em>like the photo, work won\u2019t matter anyway because you will be forced to start a new life with a new identity, far away from whatever city you live in.)<\/p>\n
\nYou\u2019re welcome, and I love you. Now know that if you end up sharing it, that will deduct another 14 minutes from your day because tweeting the perfected caption is an art that takes time. Particularly if it\u2019s a tweet that compliments both me as a person and my work as a writer because to find something that straddles both poetically can be quite a challenge.<\/p>\n